Smile Sadly

Ive been through life changes some cant understand,
nobody can grasp the anger i have in one hand,
a different kind of pain you would be ashamed of,
regrets u cant go back on a lifestyle u wouldnt think of,
trust me when i say i havent been the best person,
but if i could change my life id just be a better version,
someone who has a heart couldnt play this part,
it wouldve torn them to pieces i almost did from the start,
but instead i turned cold hearted nobody could understand it,
my pain shutdown i couldnt restart it,

i wouldnt change a thing though it makes me better,
a little cold helps you appreciate the warm weather,
a little pain helps you appreciate the smiles,
and even when theyre gone it helps you stay sane for a while..
im sorry to anybody if you dont get me,
i dont get myself and my dreams are of escapes so i can forget me,
from the bottom to the top is what ive always said,
the middle has been the hardest time ive lead,
never thought id wish accidents upon myself,
never thought id wish for the days of bad health,
but when you've fallen so far and you feel you will never recover,
whats another problem laid on top of another?,
ive always kept it in nobody knows me within,

sometimes people can only see the problems they have,
but then again all ive done was complain so my bad,
i want to leave on a positive note,
but theres nothing positive i wrote,

i want to say im grateful for the way things turned,
a tear went to a smile sometimes u gotta let it burn,
im not talking bout relationships im talking about within,
i let a bad person go and let a good one in,
somedays im still haunted by my past and the things ive done,
a better man is what i plan to instill in my son,
the worst thing is i cant forget what makes me pissed,
and i see it in other people when it doesnt exist,
i blame them and get mad at them in my head,
based off my own past ways or maybe some shit i read,
god forgive me let me let go of these feelings,
i wanna be free, i wanna touch the ceiling,
oneday when i look back at my life i will see a book,
a lot of teachings and a lot of lessons it took,
but ill be ok ill be happy,
untill then ill smile sadly.

Bottomless Fall

motion motion the movement just stopped...
a bottomless fall and a tear just dropped..
itll never land we will never see it hit...
its something inside that ill just have to deal with...

a tear of regrets a tear of shame...
wrong actions, wrong turns, now im to blame...
when u lose trust u lose it all...
i didnt come this far to fall ....

motion motion the movement just stopped..
a bottomless fall and a tear just dropped...
i never wanted this to happen i didnt want to look...
but the thought of it landing forced me to look...

a bottomless fall and for it to land is just dumb...
you love me, i shouldnt question it not for 2secs not even for 1...
but my past haunts me, my own mistakes eat at me..
i know u want me, this alone should make me happy..
a wake up call to my heart...
a wake up call for the rest of my life to start...

motion motion the movement just stopped..
a bottomless fall and a tear just dropped...
but its a new day and the sun is out i can see down the bottomless fall..
and its not bottomless at all...

i see you there waiting for me to come down...
to stand tall to stand on solid ground...
sometimes the darkness from your past can haunt your future...
espicially when trust is something your not used to....
but now i see as this sun shines down on me...
im not the only one so i take the leap...
u tell me "theres no reason to be sad"...
u tell me "i love you and dont be mad"..
"you just gotta trust me im yours forever"...
"no matter what sentences, words, not one letter."...

motion motion the movement was just 2 drops..
a bottomless fall and a tear just stopped...

My Room

life pasts, things change...
my world got rearranged...
someone moved my bed to the other room...
its dirty over here so i brought the broom...
some things not clean...
some things not seen...
alot of baggage i brought with me to this new space...
i hope it fits perfectly because i really love this place...
although at first i felt alone...
i can honestly say im starting to feel at home...
i just got all my clothes from the laundry too..
theres nothing like the fresh smell of you...
in this room i feel safe again...
all i got is me but ill love again...
i lay down and think sometimes about how my life has changed...
alot of wrong ive done alot of people ive hurt and im ashammed...
im sad about some of my choices i made..
but i have no regrets i just played the cards of this game...
the game of life the roll of the dice...
i thought i finished the whole pie but i finally saw the last slice...
i paid the price of a heart that cost more than i thought...
i tried again and again .. i can say i fought...
but as i hear a knock on the door my thoughts get erased...
a moment of happiness shines on my face...
i got a visitor let me clean this room up too...
the door opens and in walks beautiful you...

As a New Chapter Begins...

Closer we come to an end...

closer we learn a new beginning...

a place that begins a new chapter...

a place that ends a time but we save as memories...

a love lost is just a space for love to be gained....

a change in mind is just how we say we dont mind the change...

we adapt to a heart broken untill we fix it...

now we are a strong heart that can only be broken if it wasnt built well...

the time when trust is tested and you wonder will it stand the test of time...

when u dig deep and true feelings arise .. was it all a lie?

we lose we gain we lose we gain again...

when will we build on what weve gained so the loss cant see the day...

true happiness doesnt come without true pain...

because of this we can continue and dont sit and ask why?

when love hurts it just means you loved love alot more than you thought...

its just you reacting to your own reaction...

so i take this in mind and say to you....

my heart and ours together can not be broken unless we want it to..

any struggle we share, we share together...

our hearts strength will be shown when the rain is gone and the sun shines again...

a matter of fact every second that goes by less drops seem to fall...

either way if a storm starts up or the sun shines forever im not worried at all...

because in a room of short stories, every chapter we share it stands tall...

DEAR STRANGER

I miss you and i really never met you,
my idol but i never really knew you,
u left me when i was small...
i was to young to remember at all...
but some how i feel its affected my life too...
ive always felt alone nobody to look up to...
it hurts not knowing who i came from..
just pictures from when u were young show where my looks came from...
now your up above looking down...
and when im down im just looking around...
feeling lost with nobody to turn to..
why god had to take you?...
a tear falls, to see you i couldnt wait too..
to have known you, i guess it wasnt fate...
you died on the job, u couldnt be late?..
alot of times i look for different answers...
y couldnt he just get cancer...
maybe i wouldve known him longer, maybe...
maybe i couldve heard his thoughts, he couldve seen my baby...
see wat ive become, a grown man not following the streets..
a man, a great father, being all i can be..
i just want to know hes proud...
if you can hear me up there scream it back loud...
i promise ill get the words you can even send me a letter..
i promise ill get it, i promise ill get better...
make you happy ur son is man...
nobody to fall back on, on my own two legs i stand...
i promised you dad when i was younger id be a great father...
id never leave her or let anyone prevent me beig there for her....
But back to you, your really just a stranger to me..
so its crazy how much the thought affects me...
cuz im blessed to be me and have the family i have..
but theres something inside that hurts cuz i never met my dad...

Who Am I

my soul is in pain i didnt want to share but lets...
my mind sends my heart death threats...
its like a scene straight out of the worst war story...
but this one is all heart with no glory...
forced into a struggle with a never ending life cycle...
i stare at the mirror and tears fall, theres nobody like you..
nobody likes you, no love, nobody to write too..
but i fight too, and despite you i might lose..
see im far from right my life never been perfect..
a loud darkness within me, you just never heard it...
a feeling like "nobody can understand my words"
nobody can understand so all u get is random blurps from a twitter bird...
yea try to find the real me and youll die trying...
i cant find me and im stuck somewhere inside him...
him being, what you see right in front of you...
smile on face, fitted on tilt, im funny too..
sure im a cool dude but theres more to me..
i mean its somewhere in here if i let u even close to me...
my mind body and soul goes out of control...
been struggling to get by since day 1 ... and i will never fold..
so ya could keep coming after me...
pressure and my demons keep laughing at me...
but im glad to see with all the casualties i still havent become a tragedy...
i will make it! i will never fail i refuse to..
so yall can hate me from a far... screw you!
i got a screw lose but im on solid ground with great weather...
depression wont hold me back im tough like leather...
ya pleather, a merino sweater , cotton, fuck it a "i love you" letter..
im far gone yall cant catch up to me...
no matter what your appearance is ya cant fuck with me...
gotta long way to go in this world, believe me i know....
but ya cant even dream of the shit that i already show...
fuck all my ex's, wait nah i love ya all, thats my reply...
but am i that ugly? cuz all ya new dudes is fat guys!...
i laugh, but anyway back to the story...
all heart no glory...
theres nothing in this world for me...
all the bullshit sum of yall talk is starting to bore me... ignore me!
i dont care im just venting while im in my computer chair..
give me long stares and good hair...
but know that meeting anybody like me is o so rare... its not fair.

Yonas | Hunter College Radio | Freestyle